Listening With Ears Wide Open
“The highest compliment you will ever pay another human being is to take the time to actively listen, actively observe, actively care about what is important to that other person. Focus on them. Listen to them. Care about them. ~Wendi Kelly”
I came across my childhood report cards when we were packing up to move out of our family home. Year after year, a similar theme, as if my teachers copied from each other.
“Wendi is a bright, creative girl, but she tends to talk more than listen and she often daydreams in class.”
“Wendi is a joy to have in class, but needs to pay attention more and talk less.”
Those were pretty accurate, except that my name had a y at the end instead of an i, ( I didn’t change that until later,) and there were at least ten more variations, which included comments on my poor organization, sloppy handwriting, inability to learn even the simplest math or spelling skills. Back in the sixties, comments such as these weren’t red flags for dyslexia and ADHD, so it’s no surprise that I wasn’t diagnosed until decades later as an adult.
That time gap allowed for plenty of opportunities to build a laundry list of bad habits in studying, organization, self-care, and communication.
This isn’t the part where I tell you I have all the answers.
But there is one area where I have had some measure of success. Diagnosis, coaching, therapy, college classes in communication and psychology, seminars, and training have built a toolkit of skills to help with the “Talks too much and doesn’t know how to listen” part.”
So, maybe I can share a few tricks with you.
First, there are many different styles of listening. It’s not a one size fits all skill. Let’s go over some of the more common ones.
Perhaps most frequently in our instant pudding society, we use:
Skim Listening: We use our ears the same way we use our eyes to read. We are too busy to read every word so we scan for relevant details while we are multi-tasking. We do it with our ears too. We do it while our children are talking, while the wife/husband is filling us in on the day and we are cooking/changing/ getting ready for the next transition in our over-packed schedule. You can be sure you did it when you hear the words, "Honey, I just told you that."
" You did?... I don't think so...I would have remembered."
No, you wouldn't have. You were reading the paper/computer, or your head was stuck in your phone.
You might have remembered if she told you she won two tickets to your favorite team's game. You were scanning (or skimming) for important information that mattered to you.
If everyone reading this finds their brain going off on a tangent of, "That reminds me of the time when so and so said....and then...she said..and then....OH! I wish Wendi would quit writing so that I can have a chance to tell my story. Will there be comments after?"
Yes, there will be comments after, and don't worry, you are normal. That was an example of Reactive Listening, (or in this case, reading)where you are only listening long enough to trigger a response from yourself so that you can share your thought, idea, or in the case of sales people ( and really annoying bad car salesmen) get them to see things your way so that you can get that sale.
What we want to focus on is a deeper, more focused listening that has the other person as the center of attention, not us. It isn't as hard as you might think, you don't have to be born with it, and with a little practice, you will have moments that will give you very deep inspired connections with others and leave you wondering what you have been listening to all this time.
Got your pens and paper ready?
Keys Points to Listening with Ears Wide Open.
Intuitive Listening
Remember Two ears/ One mouth: It should go without saying that we start here, but somehow it doesn't seem obvious. People get hung up on that "Life's Supposed to be Fair" rule. Listen close. That rule DOES NOT APPLY HERE. This is not a give and take. They get to talk twice as much as you do. That's the math equation. If you can get them to talk three times as much, with you just popping in a comment or a question now and then, you are already a pro.
Use Interested Body language: Keep your body language calm and relaxed. DO NOT look at your watch or cell phone. (Bonus points for putting it away on silent or turning it off.) Lean slightly forward in toward them, showing interest, eyes looking at them, focused on what they are saying. Nothing says "I can't hear you" more than eyes wandering around a room taking in the environment.
Respect Personal Boundaries: Different cultures and different people have preferences about their personal boundaries. Get too close or get too far away and you have lost them. Look for the subtle signs of them backing away or moving closer to show you their boundary preferences.
Be Observant: Notice the little things. Watch for the flickers in their eyes when they speak of certain things. Was that painful to them? She just started rubbing her fingers back and forth very quickly and chewing her gum faster…hmmm. But she seems calm. Mixed signals? What ISN'T she saying? Maybe ask a few more questions?
Listen for meaning: Listen for what they meant to say, not what they said. Don't assume. If you aren't absolutely sure, ASK. In this growing multi-cultural world, different places may have slightly different meanings. Heck, maybe even in your own backyard pub. Here is an example a few of you may recall:
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like, just pour me one.
Poor Norm. He thought he was listening. Oh well. At least he got his beer.
Ask Open-ended questions Asking open-ended questions and questions that clarify will let them know you are interested and gives them permission to continue. It draws them out and helps them to think through their own thoughts on the subject. They might not have even known how they felt until you helped them to think it all through. You don't even need to give your opinion, just letting them sort through their own opinion with a good pair of ears is a huge help!
Empathize not Sympathize, and DO NOT JUDGE! They don't want or need your pity, and they don't want to be judged. Accept what they tell you unconditionally. Offer your understanding. If you have had a similar experience, (and it feels appropriate) you might share a short, abbreviated version so they can see you really do understand but don't let it slip into an opportunity to become all about you and DO NOT give advice unless asked. Be very careful about giving any advice that could be seen as professional advice unless you are a professional. You are here to listen, not give opinions. It's a slippery slope. Don't get caught going down that hill.
They don't care what you know until they know that you care.
If people feel that you don't or won't take the time to listen to them, then what you in effect have said is-I don't love you, you don't matter to me, you aren't important enough to me to give up my time, my energy or my attention. I'd rather look at strangers on Twitter, Facebook, You Tube or the Boob Tube than to pay attention to you.
Kinda hurts your feelings a little bit doesn't it?
Please....go out and pay someone the compliment of listening with ears wide open. It is one of the most loving, kindest, caring things you can do for another human being.
I'm listening.